We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
