Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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