I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
we should paint friendship bongs
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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