I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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