i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
