Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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