I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize