fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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