I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
