atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
