Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
