Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Shame is for Republicans.
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