i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
