Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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