I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In the future we'll all be gay
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
