I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize