I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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