My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
