Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
