I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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