are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
