The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
