At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
