I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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