false alarm. still invincible.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
