R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize