her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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