yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
