Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
