Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
