the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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