i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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