i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize