did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
