Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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