What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
