I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
