I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
