Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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