and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
