is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize