So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
