They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
