Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
