i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
