just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
