I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
