just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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