Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
