Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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