That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
