Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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