I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
