Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
