I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize