hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
