i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
