You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
