smell my finger.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I supernannyed him into submission
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
