i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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