***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My hand turned me down
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
