just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Are we still banned from the library?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
