Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
