So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
