I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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