so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
