Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize